DRAGNET LIVE Click here to find out how our two dragnet teams are doing, as well as hearing the latest views of our pundits as to who will win, and who will succumb to the pressure. Updated every so often, depending on how well Sally Rowe's party goes!! |
All Stories ©Togmedia2002 |
©Togmedia 2002 |
Latest News From: January 30,
2006
EDITORS NOTE Summer is here along with the holidays and here at Head office we cannot wait for the summer trip. Feel free to send in any reports or ideas what-so-ever as we cannot cover every event with most reporters having a summer holiday and still demanding a bonus woggle next year. Apologies for the delay in updating but we were having teething problems with our new systems infrastructure, now that we have relocated to our summer premises. Keep those reports coming in!! |
HOPWOOD IN DOPING SHOCKER Shock news has arrived at the desk of Marplescouts .co.uk, late on this wet and cold Wednesday evening. Reports have been confirmed that the great Dandini Hopwood has had some interesting results concerning a routine sample, taken while he was on Easter Camp this year with the Ventures and Vexplorers. Marple Scouting, Top Brass, this evening announced that rumours were true and that Hopwood's first sample (of two) had returned "Non-Negative" for the Scouting banned substance of Red Bull Energy Drink. His second sample stated he had tested "Positive". The results came back from the Marple Scouting Testing Laboratories in a spare bedroom at Spreckley Towers, early this afternoon, and a conference was then held to discuss the matter and how it should be told to the baying press. Hopwood is currently unavailable for comment but this news is sure to have massive repercussions within the Marple world, and could even lead to him being banned from the highlight of the camping calendar: "Summer Trip". This is an unprecedented scenario in the Marple Family and nobody can tell which way it is set to go. Camp Manager Frenchman Jean Marie Dawson is to have a final ruling on the matter of the Summer Trip if the MSE (Marple Scouting Executive) have not already ruled and suspended the cheating Hopwood. More News as it comes in. |
Why Red Bull is Banned Summer Trip previously camp in the past is the highlight and showpiece of Marple's Scouting World and is renowned for being a camp that separates the Leaders from the Ventures, the wheat from the chaff, and the men from the boys. To survive the gruelling week as a Leader means going beyond the pain barrier for many. To most survival itself is a great achievement. Lack of sleep compounded by intense concentrating for games of Hearts and running Formal Fun hours for Scouts along with the drawn out early morning swims means many are sapped of energy. Rations equivalent to week 26 of Marine training do not help. The Red Bull can is stated in the full Scouting Rules and regulations as "Containing too much energy" and "having waking up powers that are too great" Thus the camps will not be a true reflection of the people. It is also in the interests of the red bull taker because if he is in too good a mood while everyone else is suffering it leaves him liable to get a good slap from someone who doesn't appreciate his good humour and energy. The substance has been banned since it was overused and abused in 1987 when one leader had so much good energy that he did everything for the scouts without complaining. Typical. Anyway it's banned now along with Pro Plus tablets. Lucozade however remains a grey area and is subject to a substance review committee in the future. |
KEY Dark Green = human energy levels Light Green = Red Bull taker energy levels |
DASWON LAUNCHES COURT CASE John Daswon, Manager of the official Marple Scouting Summer trip, looks set to launch a massive case into the high court regarding it's coverage by Marplescouts.co.uk. He is set to try and prove that he has suffered massive losses and interest in Summer Trip due to the way the website has portrayed the camp. Calling the camp a "Trip" and instigating "formal fun" terms, have shown the camp in a bad light and it is seen to be dumbing down - which it is not doing in any way what-so-ever, ever. Marplescouts.co.uk have hired top lawyers (Go Mr Coates!!) for the case and are set to defend themselves with the main line of defence being that Daswon is raising the case purely because his friend ruling the judgement, Judge Mike Spreck has not been featured recently and has had no work in the past months, thus he needs some work to stop himself suffering from boredom. An out of court settlement is expected to be reached first, probably comprising of favours and then four forfeits from Daswon's own pass the parcel rounds at Christmas: "Act like a monkey" and "Sing an S Club -7 song with the Ventures" to name but two. |
Some of the main man's friends looking cooler than Scouts in full uniform |
DRAGNET LIVE Click here to find out how our two dragnet teams are doing, as well as hearing the latest views of our pundits as to who will win, and who will succumb to the pressure. Updated every so often, depending on how well Sally Rowe's party goes!! |
DOUBLE POINTS BANNED Our insider in the hearts world says that the up and coming ruling on the way hearts is to be played (at Summer camp and beyond) has told us that playing games with double points is to be made illegal. The game was fast becoming a favourite with the Cobden leaders and ventures who saw double points as a way to play faster games, with more winners and ,inevitably, more losers. The game is played with Maastricht rules, and simply takes the conventional points tallys and doubles them, ith the traiterous Queen costing you a whopping 30 points. The game paved the way for triple and quadruple points, and it is a slippery slope that the Hearts league does not want people to follow. Dan Hopwood is said to be overjoyed at the ruling "there's less games to lose than ever, it all adds up to a great summer season!", whilst others were more sceptical, with Ian "mediocre" Corbishley telling us that it could well trigger a slow-down in hearts playing, with the fact that there will be "no games being played in the odd spare ten minutes any more." Other relevant news includes the use of PPFSPAKLMOTI, (Penalty Points For Slow Play and Kinder Like Moves of Tactical Ineptness) and the new ruling on expressions during games, which are especially important with shoot-the-moon games. Andy Togs reacted to the news by saying "I am in favour of making the game more exciting,and if that means that Corbishley loses then so be it. Put something about him because he's boring. ok? that eough for you to work on?" |
FANS NOT HOPPY Daniel Hopwood's Guernsey based fan club have recently turned on the poor lad as he has become embroiled in the latest Doping Scandal. Fans have held protests against letting the "positively tested" Dan into the country, as shown by the photos. Thousands turned out to show what they think should happen to the Venture although some are more sympathetic. One told us "Although he is the biggest loser at hearts and that fact that he doesn't deserve this run of bad luck, he has still tested positive and shouldn't be able to continue in the most gruelling event of the scouting calendar - summer camp". No one knows how Summer Camp Manager John Marie Dawson will react although several high profile meetings have been held with the Sixers and seconders from Arkwright Cubs on what should happen. Hopwood is yet to break his silence, but stands accused of being tested positive on Venture Easter Camp for the banned energy enhancing substance of Red Bull. No ruling has yet been made by group, who seem "Really, Really shocked." The protests passed off peacefully, although the Mayor of Guernsey may yet sue Hopwood for loss of Tourism and for having to hire more cleaners to clean the graffiti paintings of Red Bull cans and Hopwood's name off the sides of scout's tents. We await further comment. |
Protests yesterday in Portsmouth (above) and Guernsey (Both below),show how the public are reacting to the news. |
Summer Camp |
Dragnet |
Click on Pictures! |
Following serious allegations of Red Bull doping, Marplescouts.co.uk has decided to distance itself from regular columnist Dan Hopwood. Though we offer our full support, we have mutually agreed this is the best solution. |
BROWNING GLORY As one revelation shocked Marple, another one has helped to put a smile back on people's faces. It was revealed last night that the Brown Sisters are planning a come-back to the upper ranks of Marple's scouting community. After their failed bid to take over the Ventures back in 2001 the Browns have sat in the background, coming into the light only to photocopy their precious Beetle drive sheets and to praise the GSL's "Marvellous ideas". But now they're back. And this time, they won't take no for an answer. They plan to take over Explorer scouts when the vacancy comes up in September, before taking over control of the leaderless Scout Network group in December, who, in their words, "will definately be needing guidance by then". From there they will join forces with the Network Unit, and, after forcing them to quit University and their jobs, they will train them into "Carver Conquerers". The CC's will then infiltrate into the higher Exec positions, from where they will surrender their power to the Browns. The motives behind this long-winded strategy are believed to be to install the Browns as the superpower of Marple, though others have alleged that their sole motive is so that they can close the other cub groups so that Carver will finally be able to win some inter-Marple Cub competitions. The plan will take years to mature, and there are many dilemmas and problems to overcome, but several big companies are already fighting over the film rights. Mike Spreck was unavailable to comment, but Phil Charles, an Arkwright helper, said"are you sure they're not going to try to link up with the Girl guides? they do the same crafty stuff already"" |
ADI NEXT TO BE AXED?? Adrian Tognarelli is, as we write, deciding whether to withdraw from Marple's 2002 Summer Trip after testing positive for masking agents of the banned energy enhancer Red Bull. Both "Garlic" and "Spearmint Chewing Gum" were found in a recent sample, and although neither of these substances are banned, they are frowned upon as they are the only known additives which are able to cover up Red Bull in drug samples. However, "Team Tognarelli" Boss, Andy Togs is considering withdrawing his whole team of Tognarelli's from the camp, due to the way the sample was taken. After a heavy evening helping out at Scouts, the team were made to stay up till 6am in the morning while their tents and sleeping bags were searched for Red Bull and they gave samples. Next day the team were due to go to both Cubs and Vexplorers. Andy told us "We'll be having a team meeting about our decision. All leaders are athletes and need to be in elite condition each day. To keep us up till then is a disgrace. No point in saying we didn't perform well next day." Richard Statham has also given his backing to the move saying "As far as I'm concerned, I'm with Tognarelli" After the recent Dan Hopwood Scandal which still awaits a decision, Adrian is unsure what to do and a team decision is set to come in the near future. It is worth noting if the team did pull out along with Richard Statham who will follow, and Hopwood was banned, only the keeper of the Fun Clock Ian Corbishley would represent the young leaders - some have commented that his slothful style of camping means he never needs to take energy enhancing drugs anyway. On the endurance note Training has already begun with Andy Togs and John Dawson undertaking extensive coach riding and early morning wake ups, while Tommy Togs is building up massive "Sleep stockpiles" so he can stay awake all trip - relying on sleep he has already taken. |
CAMP MANAGER RULES Summer Camp Manager, John-Marie Dawson is sensationally set to rule out both Dan Hopwood and Adrian Tognarelli from summer camp after their recent Red Bull Energy enhancement scandals, and although this is shocking enough, he is now looking to fill the empty spaces in the Network/ Sub- Leaders tent. With gaps in the staffing of the leadership command centre, Dawson looks likely to draft in two "Wildcard" explorers to become Leaders for the week. However, there is much controversy over his choice, which looks to include Kinder explorers as leaders, to make up for the lack of Kinder Scout numbers. Cobden aren't happy and second in command Ian Corbishley told us: " They are losing the character of the camp by bringing in two Kinder explorers, summer camp will turn into a troop thing - not the bright colourful circus it usually is." Tommy Togs told us: "Summer Camp? Whats the point? Can't we speak about three a side football rules instead?" The wildcard scouts have not yet beeen revealed, but are believed to be those who could add a little surprise to the Division One Hearts League. The Camp Manager remains tight lipped about any clarification what so ever and is keen to keep the names Top Secret till the patrol "roll call" at the beginning of camp. Dan Hopwood said he was "Dissappointed" and a despondant Adi Togs commented "I won't lose any sleep"(literally - ed). Other Summer camp news is that the Twits and Ridgway have been re-ranked on the Hearts League above Daniel Hopwood after their dramatic and consistent performances against Carver Cubs, and can therefore expect more TV cash for their "Ooops dropped a card - No, here it is" Hearts category. |
TOGNARELLI RETURNS FROM DARK LEAGUES Andrew Tognarelli is this week coming to terms with the dark world of hearts played within the lower leagues. Not many professional Premier League players get the chance to experience the play in the third division but Tognarelli, committed to raising the standards of grass roots hearts, endured the league for a week. He is now coming to terms with his ordeal. Speaking from his penthouse bedroom today he admitted that alot more money needs to be pumped into the lower leagues. "The games are riddled with corruption and they have no real idea about the idea of Tactical dumping. It was a nightmare, but thats reality on the other side of the fence. It's survival of the fittest down there - but they can't even work that out as the league is easily bought off and points miscalculated. Even the simple things become troublesome when you're so far down, in at least 3 rounds there were too many or too little points. Dealing was substandard and it's horrific to think that people are trying to learn in these conditions. They really do need help. Tragically Summer Trip won't help them but somebody needs to teach them." However, it wasn't all doom and gloom down there. Tognarelli spoke with admiration on the games of German whist and is looking to take a completely new "after Hearts" game from the bottom league to the top. "I'm keeping it under wraps but it really stretches your mind. It's destined to be a winner late at night, and it can involve from 5 - 50 people. I'll say no more incase I give it away." The game is currently undergoing extensive trials before it's hopeful debut on the summer trip. |
TOGMEDIA CHIEF EXECUTIVES UNHAPPY Togmedia chiefs today announced another bad year. Once again losing heavily in the markets, their half yearly Pre Tax losses now reach into the hundreds of thousands of pounds catagory. Togmedia, which invested heavily in major scouting events at the time of the dotcom boom and completely owns "Marplescouts.co.uk" now looks to be struggling. A spokesman read a statement from the company who now look to scale down operations: "For two years we have ploughed money, time and more fun than ever, into our work. Now, in the current environment we cannot survive without major cutbacks. There will be changes. Cutbacks will come from "Marplescouts.co.uk" and further streamlining in other areas. We have to adapt and will give further detailed information later. Thankyou." On hearing the news, Marplescouts.co.uk night editor told us " It doesn't surprise me. Every report written here needs to go through the expensive media production system. This place started out trying to get people to write in - but few ever do. The personnel has grown too large and expensive as it endeavours to cover everything, so cutbacks seem the only way forward. I have lost alot of good men, my reporters suffer from tiredness, my photographers have insomnia and I fear for their health on the summer trip. Was Marplescouts.co.uk worth one good mans life? It has to happen. We cannot go on like this." Marplescouts.co.uk will give further information regarding the cutbacks at a later date. |
KINDER "UNO" CARDS STOLEN Shocking reports that both packs of Kinder's "Uno" cards have been stolen have finally been confirmed by Kinder Scouts Leader Andy Spreckley. He choked back tears to explain at a conference, held in Stores, that the cards have not been able to be found since last year and are therefore officially declared "Misplaced." However, Kinder scouts will not find this out till on Summer Trip and the possibility of mass grieving looks likely. The cards were both standard sets of the legendary card game "UNO" although they have been passed down from generation to generation within the troop, even Mike Spreck is rumoured to have had a favourite playing pack which were made lucky by a passing gypsy while on camp in East Anglia. The cards were last seen on Summer Camp last year in Woollacombe where Andrew Thorpe ritually burnt all the Number ones because he kept losing, and got in what some observers called "a right strop". The incomplete set was since replaced and then mislaid it would seem. Kinders top forensic scientist team (those with their "Scientist" badge) have been combing the area where the cards were believed to be stored for clues and have not ruled out the fact that the whole episode could be a big sabotage operation by arch enemies Cobden - Dan Hopwood was seen snickering with his tea and biscuits after the conference. The search goes on in desperation to find the cards before sundays departure and what looks like the end of the world to many Kinder "UNO" card players. |
UNO - everyones favourite card game!! |